


Wanna Ask You If You Love Me But I Don’t Wanna Seem So Weak (Baby I’ve Been California Dreaming)

by Trytoescapeit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of past car accident, Minor Character Death, Tomlinshaw in the beginning but they’re just breaking up so it doesn’t really count, it’s not even important, it’s so minor like there’s no need to mourn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 13:24:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6376681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trytoescapeit/pseuds/Trytoescapeit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They stop walking, feet in the cooling sand with silent chatter around them. When Louis rips his eyes from the group of people in the distance (he swears he can see Zayn smiling and playing his guitar) he finds Harry's eyes on his. They're not as bright as the sun made them out to be just a while ago. He thinks of the green beer bottles that he has shattered on his living room floor; some lying under his bed. </p><p>“Hey, you were twelve. I was thirteen, we were figuring ourselves out. It didn't have to be with each other.” </p><p>“I would have liked it to,” Harry counters glumly like he honest-to-God regrets running out of Louis’ room all those years ago. He shrugs because he's not sure if asking Harry if they can try kissing one last time is appropriate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanna Ask You If You Love Me But I Don’t Wanna Seem So Weak (Baby I’ve Been California Dreaming)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments about what you think of it and kudos if you liked it. Positive and negative feedback is very welcomed and you can find me on tumblr at trytoescapeit if you want to talk about anything.

******B** **efore:**  

 _Drunk Driver kills two college students and_ _severely_ _injures_ _three on the campus of University of California_ _Berkley_ _. Driver faces second degree murder_ _,_ _driving while intoxicated, and driving with a suspended license. Students are_ _mourning_ _their beloved classmates_ _Oli_ _Wright and Calvin Rodgers_ _and wish_ _Louis Tomlinso_ _n, Liam Payne, and James Cordon_ _a speedy recovery._  

 

 **Present Day:**  

Louis’ lips tingle from where Nick bites down on the flesh. It’s all blood, blood, blood but then Nick’s tongue is swiping it off like it’s candy (thick and sweet). He smiles against his lips; waits for him to pull apart to lick over the new wound. He knows his lips are probably swollen but then he sees how out of it Nick looks and forgets about it. 

“I’ll miss you, you know?” Nick says as he runs his cold (they’ve no reason to be when the setting sun is shining and they’re surrounded by stale air that reeks of salt) fingertips along his right cheekbone. Louis pretends he doesn’t see clumps of tears along the other boy’s eyelashes. People were not meant to love just one person. He reminds himself that this isn’t even love- no matter how many times Nick insists when they’re cooped up in Louis’ bed with the windows wide open. 

 “Of course,” Louis responds, forces his voice to quiver so Nick can think he’s close to tears. The beach’s waves are getting violent and Louis still wants to have a swim before the sun is completely down. 

 “Will you miss me?”  

 “You already know the answer to that,” Louis says instead of answering. It’s true, he does know the answer. From day one when he they met along the boardwalk, Louis had whispered along the inner parts of the stranger’s thighs, “don’t get attached, yeah?”. (Nick had nodded and threw his head back when Louis wrapped his mouth around him). 

“Come with me. Leave California and come with me to Seattle,” he begs as he drops his hands from his face to hold onto Louis’ hand. Louis wants to let go and run for the waves; he doesn’t want to break a heart he never really even asked for; never intended to take. 

“I can’t stand the rain,” he answers truthfully, “I can't leave Cali behind," he says with a swing of his wrist to lessen the blow.  

 “We can go to New York then,” Nick says with a silver of happiness, Louis kisses his cheek one last time before walking towards the beach. The sand beneath his toes his comforting and when he steps on a sharp rock he doesn’t even wince.  

“Have fun wherever you end up, Nick,” Louis calls over his shoulder, “try not to think about me so often,” it’s only banter. It’s only ever banter with Nick. It’s his thin lips open in pleasure and his falling too fast for Louis’ liking.  

“Because you won’t be thinking of me?” 

Louis hates this part. He hates when they always try to make it harder then what is has to be. Three weeks and suddenly it’s hard to say goodbye.  

So he ignores the last comment and runs his feet through the sand back and forth, putting on his tank top. The sand’s rough against the heels of his feet, burning and itching, so he walks along the shore to cool them down. It doesn’t do much with the heat against the simmering wood but it’d have to do. He's reminded of Achilles and his delicate heels. About how he wouldn't last very long with such roughness of the sand. In the distance he sees Nick’s red pick-up truck pull out of the lot; he wonders if the seats still smell like sex and sweat. If the windows still have his fog clinging to them from when he was breathless. 

The usual college students are littering the beach, a big cluster of them are farther down which means that’s probably where the liquor is so he drags himself until he’s bringing his shoulders inward and squeezing between people. It’s all blur of colors; a blur of smiles that Louis hasn’t met yet and smirks from the strangers because he has a reputation around here. He finds he doesn’t really care. It’s no different from Jordan’s reputation of being the smartest out of the whole junior class or Zayn’s reputation of smoking a cigarette near the rocks. He doesn’t quite believe in the boiling down of personalities to one specific trait but he gets it.  

Actually, he’s probably only had one proper conversation with Zayn but it was a peaceful one; more than the cigarette smoke that curled around his nose when he exhaled and fogged the man’s glasses.  

The sun’s sitting on the horizon now washing everyone in dark blue and it’s really pretty is what it is. 

The humid air is making Louis’ skin sweaty; his shirt clings to his shoulders and stomach. He considers leaving because he can find just about anywhere to get intoxicated; can get wasted with people who won’t judge what his intoxicated state decides to do. He’s scoping the area for his next summer fling, he hates the term because although it is a fling and it is summer, it’s just for fun and it shouldn’t make people feel bad for wanting fun over serious relationships. He hasn’t spotted an attractive face or his group of friends but then someone shoves a cold beer in his hands and he’s being crushed into a hard body. 

 “Where’ve you been, man? Should’ve been here earlier, Niall’s so drunk he thinks he’s like the next Jesus,” Stan laughs. His cheeks are flushed from the alcohol and there’s saliva sticking to the corners of his mouth. Louis wants to tell him that he should probably wipe it away but then he catches view of Niall with glazed eyes walking towards the ocean.  

“What’s he about to do?” Louis asks as he shifts to the side so he can easily run to the Niall if he needs to.  

“You know how the story goes. Walking on water, parting seas,” Stan’s face twists  little in confusion, “Gave Grimshaw the boot already?” 

“You’re not going to stop him? He can drown, you know? His motor skill aren't all that there. Save me a seat away from the music majors, will you?” He doesn’t wait for an answer as he dashes to the dusty-blonde flailing in the ocean. He just barely avoids stepping on a sharp, broken beer bottle. First, it’s hot and he feels his sweat dripping down his neck. Then, he breaks water, salt water filling his mouth and soaking his clothes. The pressure only hurts for a second before he’s shivering from it and holding onto the collar of Niall’s shirt. 

“The Mah-sia isn’t coming just yet, Niall,” Louis starts off. Niall’s eyes are distant but staring at Louis’ face before he opens his mouth in a boisterous laugh. 

“What’s so funny, huh?”  

“It’s Messiah,” He wheezes while Louis rolls his eyes. Niall’s fingertips are cold and wrinkled. He slings his arm around his stomach and halls him to the shoreline. He’s heavy from the water weighing him down that when they resurface and sand begins to cling to their calves and feet, he’s out of breath and dropping the other boy in an instant. 

“Thanks, Lou. If anyones asks, I walked on water, yeah?” 

“If you don’t go into it again, I will,” Louis takes one more look at his friends before turning away and walking towards the crowd of people. It’s a mix of people wearing jean shorts with long sleeve shirts and beanies that he has no doubt are the music majors and people in swimming trunks and short sleeved shirts that are just his kind of crowd. Surveying the beach, he finds  Stan sitting on a log infant of twigs and branches talking people he’s never seen before. One man with a buzz cut is talking animatedly while his friends (with sandy curly brown hair) is sipping on a drink. His eyes find Louis’ like he felt the weight of his gaze. They stare at each other for a while until Louis snaps out of it and walks closer to the familiar man with brown eyes and a cigarette dangling from his lips. 

Zayn raises his eyebrow as he sees Louis approaching. He can’t decide if it’s inviting or it’s not. He hopes for the later only because the man has dark circles under his eyes and he just keeps inhaling the smoke like it’s the best oxygen. He can feel Green Eyes’ gaze burning behind his back. 

“Zayn, right?” He asks even though he knows his name. 

 “Yeah,” Zayn answers and adds on after a pregnant pause, “You’re Louis, yeah? I remember you from last year. You modeled for my ex-boyfriend’s photography class. I hope you don’t mind, I sketched the photos, you can have them when I get them back from the professor.”  

 “Keep them,” he insists even though he wants to see what Zayn’s hands can do with charcoal and how they can look when they’re making up his body. 

 Zayn shrugs his shoulders, “Okay.” 

 Louis sits down on the log and finds the man from earlier raising his eyebrow at him. He offers a smile to the stranger who’s lips are curving into a big smile. He spills almost half of his drink on the branches surrounding him from being distracted and Louis chuckles quietly when he sees the boy curse to himself. 

“Why’re you sitting here?” 

 “You were alone,” he reasons and then looks at Zayn to see his face. He doesn’t even look like he’s aware of their conversation. He just gets up and looks down at Louis with a sort-of-there smile. It’s endearing but then he remembers Green Eyes’ pink lips curling in a smile.  

“I’ll see you around, Louis.” Then he’s off walking to the farthest and emptiest part of the beach. He stares until he’s just shadows and then a person is dropping their weight beside him. 

“M’Harry,” Green Eyes introduces and it’s spoken with a gruff voice and his eyes are even more green than before and his lips shining with his liquor. They spark something in Louis’ memory. Blurry memories like he’s seeing it all through a fogged up glass window. Wild curls with dead flowers woven in them like Mother Nature herself birthed him. The stranger’s green eyes play in his mind only the figment in  his memory has tears in his and has his hands balled in fists. It’s chilling and Louis wants to the smear the fog away so he can see every detail. See if the boy had the same birthmark right on his chin like the stranger does. 

 “Louis, right?” 

 “I am,” Louis confirms and raises his eyebrow, “do I know you?” Harry looks a little taken a-back like he hadn’t expected Louis to question whether he’s met him before (he’s almost  positive he knew him is the thing).  

“Niall told me you have long term memory loss,” the boy, Harry, looks crestfallen with a touch of embarrassment in the way one corner of his lips are twitched up. 

 “I mean, yeah, but the doctor said I’m recovering pretty quickly,” Louis says only a little offended, “and I’m pretty sure I knew you when I was younger. I’ve only lost like a year or two from middle school.” 

 Harry looks hesitant for a while like he’s deciding on whether to trust what Louis’ saying or not before his smile returns, “Our mothers were friends.” 

“That’s all?” 

“Yeah,” he says slowly. The dark blue of the sky washes half of his profile in shadows with the sea salt water throwing his hair wildly from their wild waves that bring violent winds. Louis wishes he can paint for the first time in his life he thinks. 

“You’re lying.” 

“No I’m not,” he defends and when he catches Louis rolling his eyes, his face falls, “we were friends when we were younger but only for, like, a week.” 

“Why were you crying then?” 

It’s Harry’s turn to roll his eyes but his mouth is turned down and he’s balling his fists like small him keeps doing in the back of Louis’ head, “I came out to you because you were the first boy I ever liked. Haven’t changed a bit, you know? You’ve still got those pretty blue eyes.”  

Louis wants to tell him that no ones eyes change. It’s not like height or bone structure in the face. He doesn’t. 

“I wasn’t mean, was I?” 

“No, you kissed me and I panicked before running home and begging mom to never go to the Tomlinson’s household. Heard it was renamed to the Deakin’s household though, congratulations to your mother.” They share a long silence of just staring at each other and it’s peaceful. When Harry takes a sip of what’s left in his bottle. his adams apple bobs with the gulp and his lips leave the rim of the bottle with a small pop sound. 

“Housing got too expensive in Donny so Niall told me I can move in with him if I transferred school. Then he mentioned you being here and I didn’t want to make things uncomfortable but he said yo got into this car accident that swiped away your earlier memories and,” he stops talking to sigh a little. 

"And you saw it as a second chance?” 

“It can barely be considered as second chance if we didn’t even have a first chance.” Louis gets up then and turns to stand above Harry. From the new view, he can see sand dusting his hair, wonders if his hair is any better. 

“I’m walking along the shore do you want to join me?” His long limbs push him up until he’s almost half a foot taller. They avoid the glass bottles of the inconsiderate students that'll probably be forced to pick it up in exchange for community service. Drinking intoxicants isn't exactly a good thing.  

He can feel the heat of Harry walking beside him and he's hyper aware of their shoulders bumping into each other every-so-often. He wants to know what those arms would feel like wrapped around his waist. Would his hand be bigger than the dip of it or would it be just the same span? Are Harry's arms as strong as they look? Louis wants to know if he can fall pliant beneath those arms without fearing if he'd be dropped.  

“I don't think I lost much of my memory, probably doctors just diagnosed me so my parents can pay for treatment.” 

 “They told me you didn't even know you were in college when you woke up,” Harry says with a small smile playing on his face. He showed Louis a little, just a little, and Louis would've been okay with it if Harry had shoved any harder. Would have probably taken him down with him.  

 “I was disoriented but I've still got everything just right,” he defends although he's pretty sure his old self wouldn't have slept with half the people he has. 

 “I'm sorry, y’know.” 

 “Car accident wasn't your fault, now was it?” 

“Not about that. You know I'm not apologizing about that.”  

They stop walking, feet in the cooling sand with silent chatter around them. When Louis rips his eyes from the group of people in the distance (he swears he can see Zayn smiling and playing his guitar) he finds Harry's eyes on his. They're not as bright as the sun made them out to be just a while ago. He thinks of the green beer bottles that he has shattered on his living room floor; some lying under his bed.  

“Hey, you were twelve. I was thirteen, we were figuring ourselves out. It didn't have to be with each other.” 

 “I would have liked it to,” Harry counters glumly like he honest-to-God regrets running out of Louis’ room all those years ago. He shrugs because he's not sure if asking Harry if they can try kissing one last time is appropriate.  

 “S’just that, and I'm not trying to make excuses, you were so pretty—,” he looks at the rise of Louis’ eyebrow and corrects himself, “ _are_  so pretty and I panicked.” 

 “It doesn't really matter anymore,Harry,” Louis chuckles, “why has it been bothering you?” 

 “Because you're the only boy I've ever liked,” Louis offers a sarcastic laugh that encourages him to continue, “I'm serious. You've no idea how many boys I've had sex with only to just feel nothing. Not even a swirl of lust.” 

 Louis wants to relate, he really does, but it seems like his whole college life has revolved around lust. He lusts so much but his want to kiss Harry isn't that. It doesn't make his stomach feel dizzy it just makes his lips tingle. 

 “You can kiss me if you'd like,” he offers; hopes Harry says yes.  

 He doesn't, in fact he doesn't say anything. Harry just lifts his arms and tangles his fingers in the back of Louis’ hair with his other wind around his bicep. Harry's so much taller but Louis hoists himself up on his tiptoes while the younger boy leans down. It compensates the height difference as their lips attach. It tastes like the liquor Harry was sipping on earlier and the cherry Chapstick Louis always wears. It only gets better when their mouths open and Harry runs the tip of his tongue along the roof of Louis’ mouth. He feels different, he feels like he's never felt this before in his life. Like Harry had been depriving him of an emotion that he's always wanted.  

 When they finally part, it's with a string of saliva that connects both of their mouths and leaves when Louis licks his lips. They look dazed, eyes blown but with wide smiles. They stand there just staring at each other; looking at the twitch of Harry's nose and the crinkles of Louis’ eyes. The ocean water behind them is washed in blue shades with foam-white waves that crash against the shore smoothly. The pale-nude spiders scamper around them, some walking over their feet. It's nasty but Harry can't really be bothered to freak out. He wants lead Louis to his dorm. Kiss him all night until his lips are pink and puffy with it. Wants to see if this new feeling will ever fade (it doesn't). Harry wants to see if Louis would look even more dazed after he's come.  

 

(And he finds he always does).

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think of it, please! and have a nice, safe day. Leave kudos if you liked it and you’re always welcome to contact me through tumblr at trytoescapeit


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